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“HOLY-WOOD”

THE UNTRUE CREATION OF STORIES

And the Bible stories come alive by Hollywood Standards. That means totally inaccurate in some cases.  I often recall the scene in the “ Ten Commandments”  where Charlton Heston, playing a gray haired MOSES, parting the Red Sea, and in his deep bass voice bellowing those famous words,   “Let my people go”    just after,  he went to the basement broke the main plumbing lines and flooded their homes and basements, hooked the cistern to the water supply, polluted the water, and encouraged the roaches and frogs to proliferate.  

It was terrible, since few of those things worked in those days anyway but Hollywood comes to the rescue taking those stories written by people who passed them down from generation to generation and couldn’t write anyway. 

And just like the game where you whisper the clue to the next person in a circle and by the time it gets back to the origional person, the whole things changed.  Thats what most of the bible stories are.

Obviously a book that was written over centuries and LOTS wife was not a pillar of salt because she looked back.  It was more likely white volcanic ash that destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.  They were cities mentioned in the Book of Genesis and throughout the Hebrew Bible, the New Testament, and in the deuterocanonical books, as well as in the Quran and the Hadith.  Science found the indicators of a volcanic upheaval in that specific area.  White ash looks like salt…

And the four popular gospels were written eighty years after the resurrection, which was two hundred years after Jesus’s appearance and many changes in the stories to make POPEs happy financially,  two had nothing in support of the story line and they differ based on whose telling it.  The birth of Jesus in Betlehem is inaccurate as the polls take at that time place his birth 75 miles away in Nazareth.  Just too much inaccuracy for something to be more than a nice story.  there are as many as eight other gospels not as popular.  

Divine judgment by God was passed upon Sodom and Gomorrah and two neighboring cities, which were completely consumed by fire and brimstone.  No salt plants were involved in the making of that destruction.  Neighboring Bela was the only city to be spared.  It’s called a VOLCANO  🔥

In Abrahamic religions, Sodom and Gomorrah have become synonymous with impenitent sin, and their fall with a proverbial manifestation of divine retribution.  Sodom and Gomorrah have been used historically and today as metaphors for vice and homosexuality, although a close reading of the text and other Ancient Near Eastern sources suggest that this association may be incorrect.  There was a lot of begetting in those days…

Thats how the Bible, both the Version Old Testament and Version New Testament was written and some versions remade to suit variant Liturgical Christianity when the Popes got their hands on it and were rewritten thirteen times.  

It’s nothing more than a collection of stories and parables massaged, twisted and changed over two thousand years.  The Popes changed it for financial gain, others changed it because they didn’t like the way the Popes did things.  So they rewrote the book and started another religious tributary.

Religion is a man tool and man recreates it as needed for his personal benefit.  When Hollywood portrays the stories as the greatest stories ever told, they are right but unfortunately they are not in some cases the greatest truths ever told.  It all made to sell, sell, sell and to make lots of money. 

   

Back To Hollywood And Yul Brynner
And in the same movie, Yul Brynner, playing RAMSES, with that stare, his three quarter magnificent profile quoting the memorable line “ So it shall be written, so it shall be done”.  

And the court scribe yelled back  “Hold that thought chief, I just ran out of ink and got to find a fresh black squid”.

Victor Mature And Hedy Lamar
And how can you forget the beautiful Delilah (Hedy Lamar stroking the Black Olive Oil laden hair of handsome Samson (Victor Mature)  and screaming “ Yuck, you smell like a day old salad, don’t you have hair spray”?

Acts not parables, Deeds not showmanship and fact, not fiction. Thats the lesson the bible should be teaching.

You Too Can Be A Story Teller !

The Evangelical Application

 You Too Can Make Lots Of Money With Little or No Effort By Starting 

Your Own Church Or Even Starting A New Personal Religion!

👺 Step One - Bablical Degrees

If you wish to become a charlatan, priest, pastor, advisor, con job or some other title read on.  We can help you get the stuff you need to make money from other people… and hang that 29.95 certificate on your wall.  It’s the key to financial rewards beyond your imagination using our proven tools all the big names in Gospel Prosperity use.

Your phony TV preachers, a Bastion of Biblical Babbling Crusaders are happy to brag about their compromised slew of honorary degrees. ( Not accredited and worthless) 

Anyone with an IQ above 23 as several of the “ believers “ rank at do not know they are not real degrees but they sound and look good.   Politicians, brethren to Religious fakirs love these degrees and adorn their walls with all kinds of honorariums mostly given by other fakes to other fakes.   

Just Google Honorary Degrees and give that rescued mutt you love so much a degree in Human Affection for only 19.95.  Proudly hang it on the wall.  Pet Degrees are 19.95 and the naive and stupid people will believe you that Rocco your hound will save their soul by shitting on their lawn.   

New! Only $49.95 Retail - The Lego Jesus Dinning Out Collection

THIS WEEKS SPECIAL: See Lego’s new Last Supper Toy for your cost of 29.95, a real money maker Christmas time and prepackaged in dozen units.  Free Shipping !  Free Extra Lego Doll Figure of Mary Magdalene with each set. You can add or not use Mary depending on which story you believe...  It will look great on the mantle behind your desk with all the other symbolic stuff you show for effect… 

👺 Step Two - You Need A Real Looking Fake Diploma

The second group consists of Companies, one in particular, with man-made Photoshop, cut and paste wording, and a few printers and order on line or do it yourself.   

We call them the Divinity Framers and Farmers.  They produce real , official looking fake documents, basically a fraud in itself but since a fraud is getting it, they don’t care.  

They are farming for suckers and clowns, producing great artwork and no legality even those who run around praising Jesus ad nauseam.  

The problem is these suckers are just that to promote themselves and can do harm to people who turn to religion in moments of need.  Who cares, no one reads these things anyway, and you can make money.  Just Google “ Fake Diplomas”.

 

👺 Step Three - The Ordained Minister Certificate  

CLAIM:  The Universal Life Church Monastery (ULC) is a non-denominational, non-profit  religious organization famous worldwide for its provision of free, legal ordinations to its vast membership over the internet.

Vast membership of anyone stupid enough to believe this shit.  Please make sure you check with your local Tax Collector,  Police Department, the IRS, and persons of strong established religious normalcy in the community like the following

“ Be well armed ( Guns, knives, flash bangs) since you are infringing on their territory, barrio, church, or turf and may have a resident Bishop, Priest, Pastor, Rabbi’s, Shaolin priests, A Bhikkhu (Buddhist) Imam, Grand Imam’s, Mufti, (Muslim) Swami and Houngan or Mambo (priest or priestess) in Haitian Voodoo after your ass. 

In addition, we have other frauds called Alternative Practitioners, Faith healers,  Isangoma, Medicine man,  Mundunugu,  Obeah doctor,  Sorcerers,  Wangateur’s or Wizard’s who will not be happy with you. Expect a deluge of curses aimed at you and be aware of a Cobra in your bed...

The ULC, recognizing the importance of maintaining open hearts and minds, embraces any individual, no matter his or her spiritual background,who wishes to become a member of this family of faith. Since it’s founding, the Universal Life Church has ordained more than 20 million ministers as long as he or she has cash , check or money order

The ULC has also become renowned for its role as a champion of religious freedom, social justice, and spiritual expression. While the Universal Life Church Monastery has become a global leader in these fields, it largely attributes that status to the commitment and competence of the millions of empowered ministers brought together in a world tent of togetherness.  We let anyone bullshit as long as therapy their dues.

The Universal Life Church is headquartered in Seattle, Washington — from which it performs and records all ordinations, ships out minister supplies like Ordination Credentials and Letters of Good Standing,  and fights daily for the rights of its ministers and persecuted individuals everywhere so they can steal from the poor and stupid.

And any other bullshit slogan we can throw at you and remember for those currently living in a state facility like jail or prison, make sure you get with permission of your parole officer, local judge or prison guard.  There are No records of how many are currently behind bars, thats confidential.   Remember for 29.95 they’ll even send it from the Vatican and have a special Cardinal sign it who live s only two blocks away in an old Volkswagen van.  You can join our legal fund insurance group for these services, only 350.00 a year.    

 

👺 Step Four - The Savior’s Freedom Deluxe Universal Religious Kit

For only $129.95, simply with the Savior’s Freedom Worship Religious Kit you can start your own church or even religion and even personalize it with your name embroidered on the robes.  Go total zealot, this is your opportunity to cash in on all that money those folks trying to buy their way into heaven have.  If they are just handing it out, why not you!

#1-SUGGESTION:  It’s easy, all you need is a good story like when you plugged in a lamp in a dark room with a wet floor, sparks and Jesus was there!  

#2-SUGGESTION: Or the time you drove sixty miles on the thruway looking for a restroom.  You took time to pray and you did find a bathroom in the next exit  and a mall that was available only ten miles away.  You’ll clean the car seats later.

These life changing, worship driven prayer like happenings are there to anoint you.  The bathroom prayer results in more “Thank you Jesus’s” than any other!

This entire month becoming a Minister is so easy and you’ll be instantly accepted into the flock since it’s your church and you can immediately start charging admission.  Just show movies, quote scripture, doesn’t matter if you don’t get it, neither do they, and say Amen a lot, and I mean a lot.

But as a bonus if you do order the Universalist kit, we will include for only $129.00 additional,  ( normally $179.00), the Special Christmas Kit with all the accessories as shown.   A real money maker during the Holidays!

But Wait For $129.95 Extra, We’ll Offer Free Shipping

• It comes with cheap artificially worn looking Croc Sandals
• Robes in various colors from a discount clothing store
• A genuine staff stained,varnished and maybe carved with a picture of one of the various poses of the Lord since no one has ever really seen him. 
• Applications for your Limited Liability Corporation and 501(3)(C)
• Free catalogs from the Holy Bread Sticks and Sacred Plastic Blessed Water (fill it yourself) kits.
• A list of attorney’s specializing in Fraud, and Molestation Charges
• Catalogs from Challenger and Lear Aircraft, Mercedes and Rolls Royce
• This months special is a Gulfstream G650 just like the one Creflo Dollar swindled and conned his congregation into buying for him.  Only 65 million dollars.

👺  Step Five- Evangelicals And The Winery

WOULD JESUS DRINK FROM THE TRUMP WINERY OF COURSE!  -- You need wine in your church.  President Trump’s administration granted Trump Vineyard Estates a permit to sell wine under Eric’s names to avoid taxes and a paper trail. The media really took off on him when he bottled a cheap Chardonnay and called it “ Jesus Juice “.  Many of the drinking Jesus disciples thought the wine was cheap and not worth it.  Mary Magdalena ordered rose and got the Jesus Juice Trots.  If the food is as bad as the wine, we are doomed.  They should have given this wine to the Romans.

 

“NOTE:  T-rump Winery is a registered trade name of Eric Trump Wine Manufacturing LLC, and is rated as all the other Trump collusions and fake enterprises are.  Slightly lower the whale sh*t. They are not responsible for E-Coli, Salmonella or Extreme Diarrhea you may incur as we don’t really care here at Heritage Farms.  We just want your money after all we are all T-RUMPS…and the economy is what it’s all about!

 

👺 Step Six - Get To Know Others In Your Community 

POPE FRANCIS OF THE VATICAN AND POPE KIRILL OF THE EASTERN ORTHODOX MEET AND GREET

POPE FRANCIS:  So, please tell me, how is business, are you guys doing anything with BITCOINS?  We are looking into it, we are thinking of inventing our own, you know one coin for 200 Hail Mary’s, or 400 Our Fathers.  Sinners buy anything...our book stores do very well and could sell a lot of them.

PATRIARCH KIRILL :  Good idea, but please be careful,  BITCOINS could be the work of the devil.  By the way, how do you like our new bigger cross, it’s 20% larger and we doubled the price.

POPE FRANCIS:  Thats really nice , and I’m glad you got rid of the propeller on your hat, the cross looks much better now.  

PATRIARCH KIRILL:  Thank you and you really look comfortable in the beanie style, reminds me when I was a kid.  
The Jews do the same thing, must be cooler in the summer.  I understand Italian suits are the bong, can you get me a deal on some new robes from Brioni.

POPE FRANCIS:  Sure, anything for you my friend... you could wear white in the summer, lots cooler and doesn’t show dust.  I hope you enjoyed those relics we lent you.   

PATRIARCH KIRILL:  By the way, how are you doing with those Priests that were assaulting your flock.  How do you handle it? Is it hurting the numbers of parishioners?

POPE FRANCIS:  We now take a different approach to this things.  Just like the American government, we stalled and stalled and some new crisis makes them forget.  Since this has been going on since Christ was a child, the Holy See and my predecessors have kind of swept it under the table.  But somehow the table moved and we’re back in the headlines.

INVESTIGATION: I’m finding out that some were transferred to other dioceses and allowed to stay on.  Sooner or later we will have to face the situation,  just like the accusations of the Pope supporting the Nazi’s, and when we blamed the Jews for betraying Jesus and it was the Romans, and the fake Blood Oath, and so forth. 

SOLUTIONS:  What I fear are the “ The Vigilante squads called the Eunuch makers”.  They want revenge and they borrowed an idea from the French. It’s called a mini-guillotine smaller, mounts to the edge of the table, guaranteed to solve the problem.  Couple of my Cardinals thought it would make a nice gift, you know Christmas for Cigar smokers... Idiots!  I’m trying to put out fires and they’re worried about cigars...

👺 Step Seven - Blessing Oil -  T-Rump Home Delivery

What is the nature of the blessing and in some cases a curse you seek?   Is it to bless a newborn, secure wealth from a business endeavor,  and most popular, to cure an ailment or disease or cause someone else great harm?

Based on its application, a blessing formula may contain ingredients—essential oils, scents, herbs, curios—specific to a single goal; therefore an oil to bless a newborn may be fresh olive oil over which Psalm 127 has been read aloud.  

We prefer Olive oil but Canola has a higher heat temperature and you can fry chicken in the stuff that drips off.

Below you will find recipes for general blessing, formulas that may be used for any situation. If you wish to emphasize a purpose, such as for your business venture, then one of the following blessing formulas may be blending with another mixture such as Money Come To Me or Crown Of Success.  

Adding gold flecks and using dollar bills to apply the oil will increase its intensity in financial affairs.  And for those who really are into this and do a lot of praying we offer Catholics Home Delivery.  You can use your credit card and we’ll deliver each month for only 39.95 good for at least 75 blessings.

👺  Special Discounts For Our Catholic Friends,

And The 300 Pedophilia Priests (They Will Need It In Jail, No Vaseline ) 

“They shall come streaming to the Lord’s blessings: the grain, the wine, and the oil”   Oil in particular was a special sign of God’s blessing among the many beautiful provisions of the Good Shepherd is his anointing:  “You anoint my head with oil.”  It was used in place of hair tonic.

The tribe of Asher was especially blessed among all the tribes of Israel because, as Moses said, “ The oil of his olive trees runs over his feet” It is no wonder then, that oil became a symbol of the fullness of God’s blessings poured out through His Holy Spirit.  What waste of good oil, oil that tastes like feet.  Then they made crushers of wood so the oil didn’t taste like "smelly feet.”

Thus oil has become a rich symbol of our life in his anointing and in the outpouring of His Holy Spirit.  Using oil can be a beautiful and powerful way of renewing our life in Jesus, especially when this oil has been “made holy by God’s word and by prayer”.  Especially the good stuff at ten dollars a bottle.  And the fancy Chinese crap bottles they put it in.

 🔥