BABLICAL BOGOS OFFERS


BABLICAL BOGO’s

SPECIAL OFFERS FOR BULLSHIT BOARD MEMBERS, FAKE MINISTERS, and CRETANS

The Scumbaggers Bablical Staff - Most of them are a compromised slew of honorary degrees not worthy of true recognition as most likely the answer is no, they are not real degrees.  For years the fundamentalist so-called theological seminary’s and monasteries have churned out certificates to those who donate small amounts of their take, and less of anything that truly represents the meaning of the true GOD’s wishes.  We call them the Photoshop Religionists Of the Bablical Order or PROBO’s.

They exacerbate, sometimes as profoundly we have found out lately,  some masterbation more than they extricate or free those of their burdens of guilt and bad deeds. With one state producing 1000 pedophile incidents by three hundred priests and you multiply it by 50 states, it get scary.  Add the Music Ministers, Children’s Ministers, and Choir Ministers who get arrested for sexual contact with minors, it gets scarier.  

Florida is inundated with Pedophilliacs, perverts and fakes.  There is a website you can follow to see who lives in your neighborhood.  https://www.abusewatch.net/tracking.php

Add the big time ministers of TV who spent their off hours in jail after being caught soliciting prostitutes like Jimmy Swaggert, the cousin of Jerry Lee Lewis who wrote and sang, “Great balls of Fire”.  I guess Jimmy’s balls were on fire during those episodes.   He claimed,  “I am a sinner” cried on TV totally fake and never got an Emmy for it, the flock fell for it, hook , line and wallet, and he again made millions last year. There are some awful stupid people sending their money to these clowns. 


THE DO -IT-YOURSELF GOD’S TOYS

WHO IS REAL AND WHO IS NOT?   TRUTH : Students of theology, divinity and religion are often unsure about the differences between a Ph.D. in divinity and the Doctor of Divinity degree. At first glance, the two seem to be identical. 

A deeper overview of the respective degrees reveals, however, that a Ph.D. and a D.D. are substantially different and are awarded to very different groups of people. Significantly, the Ph.D. is an earned degree, while the D.D. is strictly honorary.

Admission to a Ph.D. in divinity is rigorous and competitive, while admission to a D.D. program is usually nonexistent, since the degree is purely honorary.  The Ph.D. in divinity is an academic degree and, as such, the credentials for admission have more to do with academic than religious achievements.  The major difference is the Ph.D takes four years or more at an accredited school and the D.D. is achieved by $13.99, cash or credit card on line and up , one hand on the TV set and whispering , “I love Jesus”.

Typically, a Ph.D. in divinity is found in an institution's religion department, as is the case at Duke University, for example. Admissions is assessed based on normal academic credentials, such as GRE scores, GPA and evidence of scholarly research. 

A committee ( sometimes more like a bunch of banana brained similar minded schmucks) thinking about awarding a D.D., on the other hand, considers a clergy persons religious achievements over a lifetime, including some seminarian attendance accomplishments ( not getting arrested or perversion,g  going to retreatsand the ability to inspire the faithful, ( conning them) some might take into account jail time and gang membership as community services. 

THE REAL DOUCHBAG’s
The third group consists of Companies , one in particular, with man-made Photoshop, cut and paste wording, and a few printers and order on line or do it yourself.   We call them the Divinity Framers and Farmers.  They are farming for suckers and clowns, producing great artwork and no legality even those who run around praising Jesus ad nauseam.  The problem is these suckers are just that to promote themselves and can do harm to people who turn to religion in moments of need.


THE DIVINITY FRAMERS - COMMERCIAL DOCTORATES  

You should not placate yourself with  “Dr.”   Especially if this is only Doctorate Degree (DD) and is an honorary one, or one from many of the printing firms making fake degrees for $13.99, $39.95 or 49.95 framed.  

Upgrades for the fun-genuine frames are available in

  • Framers Gold ( BEHR Spray Paint from Home Depot)
  •  GOP Red as seen on all Trumps ties
  • Patterns in Zebra, Giraffe
  • Scrolls as shown here
  • Genuine Mink, for the ladies
  • Genuine Leather same as Jesus’s shoes, from cows from  Bethlehem, 10k south  city of Jerusalem, in the fertile hill country of the Holy Land.  
  • Many certificates start at only $13.99 and available with almost any kakameemie title you wish.


THE FAKE ORDAINED MINISTER CERTIFICATE  (THEIR WORDS)

The Universal Life Church Monastery (ULC) is a non-denominational, non-profit religious organization famous worldwide for its provision of free, legal ordinations to its vast membership over the internet. 

The ULC, recognizing the importance of maintaining open hearts and minds, embraces any individual, no matter his or her spiritual background, who wishes to become a member of this family of faith. Since its founding, the Universal Life Church has ordained more than 20 million ministers.

The ULC has also become renowned for its role as a champion of religious freedom, social justice, and spiritual expression. 

While the Universal Life Church Monastery has become a global leader in these fields, it largely attributes that status to the commitment and competence of the millions of empowered ministers brought together in a world tent of togetherness.

The Universal Life Church is headquartered in Seattle, Washington — from which it performs and records all ordinations, ships out minister supplies like Ordination Credentials and Letters of Good Standing, and fights daily for the rights of its ministers and persecuted individuals everywhere.

Please make sure you have complied with the following instructions:

  • Only put your true, full legal name (*nicknames will invalidate your ordination).
  • Only include factual information.
  • Double check your name and email address.
  • Capitalize where appropriate, as this is how your ordination will be reflected in our records.
  • Submitting an ordination request using a fictitious name, the name of another person, or an animal's name is not allowed. All such applications are considered invalid and these ordinations will not be recognized.
  • If we have discovered that you have submitted an application for ordination using false or fraudulent information, we reserve all rights to revoke your ordination.



FLORIDA BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU

General Section  (Should be renamed the Horseshit Division)

The BBB serving NW Florida has been notified by someone sending emails from brothermichael@universalonechurch.org that "There is no Michael J. Cauley at this address". This email was signed by Brother Michael Jordan Francis. Someone from this same email address also states, “ You are wrong to assume Brother Michael is Michael Cauley. 

Michael Cauley is the Presiding Bishop only. Just because his picture appears on our website, that does not mean Brother Michael is Michael Cauley. Michael Cauley is the Presiding Bishop for 1000's of Churches throughout the world". The Florida Department of State Divisions of Corporations lists Michael J. Cauley as an officer of both Universal One Church and Universal Life Church World Headquarters. 

The BBB serving Northwest Florida doubts the claim that Michael J. Cauley is not receiving these emails. On 6/11/2015 the website ulcnetwork.com stated “ he Original Faith Based Universal Life Church has changed it's name to Universal One Church". Per the company’s website, just another venue when the heat from hell rises.

So Why Did We Change Our Name From Universal Life Church To Universal One Church?
We needed to do so to preserve the good name of our Lord Jesus Christ, in addition to the integrity of the Christian Church and to the sacrament of ordination itself. These spin off Universal Life Churches which began in 1959 with Kirby Hensley, the self proclaimed Second Coming, Modesto Messiah and Conman as he himself stated on 60 Minutes have tarnished the Universal Life Church name beyond any chance for respectability ever again. 

The Universal Life Church name has become the butt of jokes, it is a laughing stock made fun of for ordaining dogs, cats, goats and whatever else someone has filled into an online ordination form. Very few take the Universal Life Church name seriously or recognize their ministers as real ministers. In many instances marriages are annulled or the minister is denied to even officiate the wedding to begin with." 

TODAY’S BEST BUYS IN VOODOO RELIGION

NUMBER ONE SELLER AND BEST PRICE


OTHER SPECIAL OFFERS




THIS MONTH’S  SPECIAL OFFER - THE “SOUTHERN BAPTIST” KIT

SAVIOR’S FREEDOM WORSHIP RELIGIOUS KIT ON SALE

For only $129.95, simply with the Savior’s Freedom Worship Religious Kit you can start your own church or even religion and even personalize it with your name embroidered on the robes.  Go total zealot, this is your opportunity to cash in on all that money those folks trying to buy their way into heaven have.  If they are just handing it out, why not you!


It’s easy, all you need is a good story like when you plugged in a lamp in a dark room with a wet floor and Jesus was there!  Or the time you took time to pray and you did find a bathroom in the mall that was available.  

The life changing, worship driven prayer like happenings are there to anoint you.  The bathroom prayer results in more “Thank you Jesus” than any other!


THIS MONTH SPECIAL - SOUTHERN BAPTIST 
This entire month becoming a Southern Baptist is so easy and you’ll be instantly accepted into the flock since it’s your church and you can immediately start charging admission.  Just show movies, quote scripture, doesn’t matter if you don’t get it, neither do they, and say amen a lot, and I mean a lot.

Other religions will be offered but slightly higher due to costs incurred in deseminating their customs, traditions and flatulently charged rhetoric.

They include Pentecostal, Reformation, or Episcopal at  $139.00.  Native American kits are also extra $15.00 + as growing Peyote is expensive.  Be assured no Parsley or Ethiopian basil, 100% real Peyote.

Methodists will be on sale next month.  They always get there late with no new news.

Good news the Islamic kit at $199.00  ( Sunni or Shia, your call) will come with a blow-up horse.

So far no contact has been made with the Hari-Krishna folks as we can’t get a word in between songs... 

The Jewish kit is more  at $229.00 because it contains a Moses looking plain staff, made from sacred wood from the gardens of Ramat NaHadiv, real dead sea treasure maps, more accurate information, a pair of carved dreidels, and a plastic Torah scroll with covering, definitely worth more.    

The Catholic kit also costs more ($199.00) due to strict titheing regulations, current lawsuits, settlements and the Vatican Tariff on promotional goods. They have to get their cut and want it up front.  Is there no faith in faith?  But as a bonus if you do order the Catholic kit, we  will include for only $149.00 additional, normally $179.00, the Special Christmas Kit with all the accessories as shown.   A real money maker during the Holidays and available in the other kits too.

Sorry, but we tried to make sense of some of the others but couldn’t fit a live snake , cow, nor an elephant into the package, we don’t like burning crosses, and crucifixions are definitely out since they have a bad reputation and no blow-ups available.  We’ll try again Halloween.

The Southern Baptist kit is complete.  It comes with cheap worn looking Croc Sandals, Robes in various colors from a discount clothing stores,  and a genuine staff stained,varnished and carved with a picture of one of the various poses of the Lord since no one has ever really seen him.

The staffs, hand carved from select pine trees illegally procured from the forrest of the Great Smoky Mountains, then stained, sanded and carved with love by Elmer Doodle of the Little Ol’ Whittlers’  Shop in Sevierville.  Your picture on top can be your choice of choice of  Jesus, Mark, John, Mathew, Simon, Mary, Andrew and a few others.
-or- Maybe a favorite pet for those pet blessing days, always a money maker.

This kit contains everything you need including applications for your Limited Liability Corporation and 501(3)(C) and free catalogs from the Holy Bread Sticks and Sacred Plastic Blessed Water (fill it yourself) kits,  list of attorney’s specializing in fraud, and molestation charges,  ( For Priests - Catholic lawyers Slightly Higher)  Challenger and Lear Aircraft, Mercedes and Rolls Royce.  This months special is a Gulfstream G650 just like the one Creflo Dollar swindled and conned his congregation into buying for him.  

Be just like Creflo and Exploit, Expand and hopefully Expire so you can really meet the Lord, He’s waiting for you...


EVANGELICALS AND THE WINERY

WHAT WOULD JESUS DRINK - FROM THE TRUMP WINERY OF COURSE!

In February of this year, President Trump’s administration granted Trump Vineyard Estates LLC an H-2A visa for immigrant labor.    But major media outlets covering the winery stopped their investigation a little short when they saw a seemingly contradictory legal disclaimer on Trump Winery’s website:

“Trump Winery is a registered trade name of Eric Trump Wine Manufacturing LLC, which is not owned, managed or affiliated with Donald J. Trump, The Trump Organization or any of their affiliates.”   The Congregation said  “ AMEN” and the investigators said “ BULLSHIT”!

That’s intentionally misleading: Eric Trump did indeed own Trump Winery (despite his dad claiming to own it “100%” last year), but Donald Trump owns and, as president, profits from the vineyard the winery sits on, “Trump Vineyard Estates LLC,” which is registered to the Trump Organization and apparently worth between $5 million and $25 million dead presidents. 

Funny enough, Trump apparently charges his son rent (per Trump’s financial disclosure form last year) because ET’s winery is on Trump Vineyard land. He’d also, I imagine, charge him for growing grapes there.


TALKING SHOP IN CUBA 

FEBRUARY 2016

POPE FRANCIS OF THE WEST:
  So, tell me,  hows business, are you guys doing anything with BITCOINS?  We are looking into it, we are thinking of inventing our own, you know one coin for 200 Hail Mary’s, or 400 Our Fathers.  Sinners buy anything...our book stores do very well and could sell a lot of them.

PATRIARCH KIRILL of EASTERN RUSSIAN CATHOLIC:  Good idea, but please be careful,  BITCOINS could be the work of the devil.  By the way, how do you like our new bigger cross, it’s 20% larger and we doubled the price.

POPE FRANCIS OF THE WEST:  Thats really nice , and I’m glad you got rid of the propeller on the hat, looks much better now.  

PATRIARCH KIRILL of EASTERN RUSSIAN CATHOLIC:  Thank you and you really look comfortable in the beanie style, reminds me when I was a kid.  The Jews do the same thing, must be cooler in the summer.  I understand Italian suits are the bong, can you get me a deal on some new robes.

 POPE FRANCIS OF THE WEST: Sure, anything for you my friend... you could wear white in the summer, lots cooler.  I hope you enjoyed those relics we lent you.   

PATRIARCH KIRILL of EASTERN RUSSIAN CATHOLIC:  By the way, how are you doing with those Priests that were assaulting our flock.  How do you handle it? Is it hurting the numbers of parishioners?

POPE FRANCIS OF THE WEST:  We take a different approach to this things. Since this has been going on since Christ was a  child, the Holy See and my predecessors have kind of swept it under the table.  I’m finding out that some were transferred to other dioceses and allowed to stay on.  Sooner or later we will have to face the situation, just like the accusations when we supported the Nazi’s, blamed the Jews for betraying Jesus and so forth.

FEBRUARY 2016: I’m sure something will surface and we’ll do the right thing at the right time, 



BLESSING OIL STOCKS MORE 

THAN 78 DOLLARS A BARREL

WHAT IS BLESSING OIL,  FROM TALES OF THE BIBLE
What is the nature of the blessing and in some cases a curse you seek?   Is it to bless a newborn, secure wealth from a business endeavor and most popular,  to cure an ailment or disease.

Based on its application, a blessing formula may contain ingredients—essential oils, scents, herbs, curios—specific to a single goal; therefore an oil to bless a newborn may be fresh olive oil over which Psalm 127 has been read aloud.  We prefer olive oil but Canola has a higher heat temperature and you can fry chicken in the stuff that drips off.

Below you will find recipes for general blessing, formulas that may be used for any situation. If you wish to emphasize a purpose, such as for your business venture, then one of the following blessing formulas may be blending with another mixture such as Money Come To Me or Crown Of Success.  Adding gold flecks and using dollar bills to apply the oil will increase its intensity in financial affairs.

When we look at what ingredients go into a good blessing oil we are looking for items that promote positive conditions, such as fertility, growth, and things associated with the divine from whatever spiritual source inspires you. 

Since we are dealing here with oil recipes, we are engaged mainly with essential and fragrance oils, as well as carrier oils.  Many blessing oils in the Scammer tradition will substitute vegetable oil as olive oil as a carrier, is expensive, owing to its prominent Biblical use, and the fact it pops corn well and mixes nice with vinegar on salads.

You may add any of the following mixtures to a carrier oil should you choose, and the choice is your whether to use olive oil, or a less scented carrier such as grape seed or almond.  How you use this oil, whether to dress a candle or anoint your feet for a difficult journey, is up to you.

The main thing to avoid is the use of worn engine oil from your car, this is a new trend and has produced bad mojo with folks running down the highway in the wrong direction and getting clobbered by trucks...


FOR A CHEAPER ALTERNATIVE: SEE PETER POPOFF - AND HIS HOLY WATER SCAM



FOR OUR CATHOLIC FRIENDS - AND THE 300 PEDOPHILIA PRIESTS

“They shall come streaming to the Lord’s blessings: the grain, the wine, and the oil”  In these words the prophet Jeremiah foretells the blessings that God would one day pour out upon his people.  Oil in particular was a special sign of God’s blessing among the many beautiful provisions of the Good Shepherd is his anointing:  “You anoint my head with oil.” 

The tribe of Asher was especially blessed among all the tribes of Israel because, as Moses said, “ the oil of his olive trees runs over his feet” It is no wonder then, that oil became a symbol of the fullness of God’s blessings poured out through His Holy Spirit, and that the expected savior would be the Anointed One, the Messiah or Christ.  

Thus oil has become a rich symbol of our life in Jesus, or our sharing in His anointing and in the outpouring of His Holy Spirit.  Using oil can be a beautiful and powerful way of renewing our life in Jesus, especially when this oil has been “made holy by God’s word and by prayer” 


CATHOLIC EXORCISM BLESSING FOR OIL (OLIVE OIL

NOTE : USE 100% PURE OLIVE OIL - PRIEST DRESSED IN PURPLE

P. Our help is in the name of the Lord.

R. Who made heaven and earth.

P: O oil, creature of God, I exorcise you by God the Father (+) almighty, who made heaven and earth and sea, and all that they contain. Let the adversary’s power, the devil’s legions, and all of Satan’s attacks and machinations be dispelled and driven far from this creature, oil. Let it bring health in body and mind to all who use it, in the name of God (+) the Father almighty, and of our Lord Jesus (+) Christ, His Son, and of the Holy (+) Spirit, as well as in the love of the same Jesus Christ our Lord, who is coming to judge both the living and the dead and the world by fire.

R. Amen.

P: O Lord, hear my prayer.

R: And let my cry come unto thee.

P: May the Lord be with you.

R: And with your spirit.

P: Let us pray. Lord God almighty, before whom the hosts of angels stand in awe, and whose heavenly service we acknowledge; may it please you to regard favorably and to bless and hallow this creature, oil, which by your power has been pressed from the juice of olives. 

You have ordained it for anointing the sick, so that, when they are made well, they may give thanks to you, the living and true God. Grant we pray, that those who will use this oil, which we are blessing in your name, may be protected from every attack of the unclean spirit, and be delivered from all suffering, all infirmity, and all wiles of the enemy. 

Let it be a means of averting any kind of adversity from man, redeemed by the precious blood of your Son, so that he may never again suffer the sting of the ancient serpent. Through Christ our Lord.

R. Amen.


MY RECOMMENDATION FOR OIL WOULD BE

A good sign would be for the POPE to erect large caldrons of oil, from Esso, Shell, BP, Texaco, and Mobil in the popular 10W-30W weight boiling at about 240 degrees fahrenheit and simply take these pedophilia scumbags and toss the in.  That might be the proper use of the oil.

*07-2018 aljacobsladder.com